I started catching up on all ya's posts, but had to stop before I started crying here at work. Usually I have enough time at lunch to either read or to post, but not both. Therefore, since I'm not reading...

My boss is on a roll today. Well, one of them is. The company I work for is run by a married couple, he's a dentist and she's the CEO of our company. Usually, he's only here in the mornings, then spends the afternoons at his dental practice. He's gone through and systematically pulled each of us in for a little "chat". I was laying low in the hopes that he'd run out of time before he got to me...unfortunately, I forgot that he's in the office all day on Fridays.

He's not really a bad guy, but his people skills run right around the par of Carey's (deromilly's dh). And he wants to micromanage every aspect of the business. Always a problem in small businesses, but in this case it's compounded by the fact that he doesn't really understand the technology and won't learn. Yes, he's been running an internet vendor for 10 years and hasn't learned anything about the tech his company works with every day. When he's at his dental clinic, he's a different person - relaxed, laid-back, he smiles and jokes. But when he's here, he gets and knotted up with worry and becomes rather difficult to deal with.

At least I get to go kick things tonight.

Yup, as deromilly commented, I'm back taking tae kwon do. I went through a complete trial lesson with nothing but "I forgot I had muscles there" soreness. I'm thrilled.

I'd been thinking about putting Gavin in tkd for a while now. I didn't think I'd be able to do it again, but our resident holistic doctor told me she could have me back in marshal arts. I believed her, but I didn't think it would be so soon.

The school is huge. Normally that would be a turn-off for me, but it came highly recommended by a black belt I know who studied there. And it's close to my work, and it has a summer day camp that runs will keep the kids from 7:30 am to 6:00 pm. So Gavin and I took the trial lesson. I was extremely impressed. It's a huge building, but inside it's broken up into four doejahngs. They have a student/master ratio of about 4:1. So you'll see the standard 20-30 students, but there are more instructors on the floor than I've seen anywhere else. We watched a class for a little while; it looked like there was about 25 students and eight instructors on the floor, three of which were masters!

The school has around 15 head instructors, 90% of which are actual Korean masters. The others trained and received their master status in Korea.

And I couldn't believe the cost -- Gavin and I together cost only slightly more than I was paying Master Lee there in Eugene for just myself.

I could go on and on, but I've got to get back to work.

mood: excited

I find myself - like the rest of us who knew Jeremy - getting so angry at the news for they way they have vilified him. I liked karjack's post about this being another way to blame the victim. There are so many accounts of this -- and a couple of them hit personally. I have another friend (Esther, for those of you who may know her) who was raped several years back. She gets understandably upset when people talk about her "being in the wrong place at the wrong time". Her comment goes along the lines of "I was at home, in my bed, asleep. How could I have been in the wrong place?" Her insight is that if people can classify a tragedy under that heading, they can make certain that bad things can't happen by always making sure to be in the "right" place. It helps them feel like they have some control over potential tragedy and can avoid it.

On a much more personal note, the hardest thing for me after leaving Kris was accepting the fact that I was targeted. I can look back on our relationship and see a thousand different clues that should have been warning flags. But other people (not among my friends) want to make it something I did, that I could've avoided it, if only I'd paid attention. And, truthfully, I probably could've mitigated the impact if I'd know what to look for then. But I didn't. And the therapy and recovery work I've done since I left has opened my eyes to the fact that he deliberately acted to blind me to those very warning signs.

But again, people want to find some thing in my past that made me more vulnerable and open to abuse. But to me, it's yet another kind of blaming the victim. If they can find something in my past that makes me different from them, then they can continue to feel safe; they won't have to confront the fact that they could be targeted for "bad things" for reasons outside of their control.

That being said, yes, when it came to sex, Jeremy's brain shut down and he let his hormones carry him away. He knew that himself. But that was such a small part of who he was. I want to be able to sit him down and smack him upside the head with the clue-bat. I regret the distance that separated us and that I hadn't really been in contact with him for awhile. But even more, I honor the rest of the parts of him and his life -- his kindness, concern and, especially, his acceptance.

mood: melancholy

Hello all --

Yes, finally a post! But this time with good news: I GOT A JOB!!!!!!

A real one -- well, I mean a professional one. Believe me, I know that working retail, waiting tables, etc are real jobs (and hard ones too). But this is my first professional job. I'm finally starting my career. Starting April 8th.

I'm working as web developer for a small dot.com that managed to survive the bubble. It's been around for 11 years, so it looks pretty stable.

Gavin's doing much better as well. He had to be pulled out of his gifted and talent school (and lost his place in the magnet school program) and placed into a special public school for kids with severe behavioral and emotional problems. After a really shaky first month, he's finally settled down. His behavior at school has improved dramatically, he's getting his homework done and turned in almost every day (which is better than I'm doing this term) and his behavior at home has even improved. We still have some rough days, but they're getting much less frequent.

I'm well on my way to actually getting my driver's license. All I have to do now is learn to parallel park (yup, they do still test for that out here) and buy insurance. In North Carolina, you have to be insured on the vehicle you use for the driving exam. And the cheapest quote I was able to find for me was $875 for six months. Which meant I had to get a job before I could get my license. So guess where that first paycheck is going....

But on the whole, things are looking much better. I have a three month probation period at work, after which I'll have my own insurance and can finally file those divorce papers, since I won't be dependent on Kris' insurance anymore. Gavin and I will probably be able to move into our own place around the first of the year (I'll even be able to buy furniture!).

Again, I apologize for being out of touch for so long. Hope everyone is well.

I promise I'll come back and write a more detailed entry in the next week. I'll try to do it tomorrow, but something frequently turns up and ...

I just had to share this. I took a quiz on "What D&D Character are you" at: http://twinrose.net/dandchar.php. I think they nailed it, particularly given the last two characters I've played: a half-elf chaotic neutral bard.

mood: amused

Here's mine:

I am: Ursula K. LeGuin Perhaps the most admired writing talent in the science fiction field.

Which science fiction writer are you?

The first time I took this quiz, I got Kurt Vonnegut. I think LeGuin is closer.

mood: amused

Wow! Two postings in the same month!

I've got a week off before I start classes again. Since I'm studying to get my A+ certification, I feel like I should be hitting the books on that, but I just can't bring myself to do it. So, I'm just messing around on-line.

Don't remember if I've mentioned this -- I'm heading back to school. I'm working on getting my AS in Computer Programming. I chose that because it was only a two year degree and I knew I could come out of it with job skills that would get me a job which could support Gavin and myself. I didn't expect to fall in love with it. I'm taking two classes on-line this summer -- Basic Networking and XML Technologies. Not really sure where I want to go with it, exactly. Other than computer forensics; I'm still working on that, but it's probably going to be a long-range goal (okay, I'm a snoop. I love the idea of spying on someone's drive legally). But in more immediate terms, I'm looking into Oracle development. But I've also been reading all of these books on network security and have gotten really intrigued. Yesterday I viewed a full header of an email and was surprised when at 50% of it made sense to me. :-0.

Gavin's doing better. I told Kris that when he didn't show up for our counseling session and then missed the custody mediation session that if he wanted to see Gavin, he was going to have to arrange it in advance. I told Gavin this, too, and he seemed to take it really well. He knows his dad isn't going to make the effort. Gavin called to ask Kris if he could come over the weekend after Mother's Day, but had to leave a message. Kris still hasn't gotten back to me on it. So, last night we were making plans for that weekend (Yay! I love living again with people who will actually plan things in advance!) he said that he'd wanted to go to Dad's that weekend. He (Gavin) wants to go to the zoo and it's a bit of trek -- like going to the Portland zoo from Eugene. When I told him his dad hasn't given me an answer and now it's too late to arrange that visit, he said (quite cheerfully): "Okay; problem solved").

Definitely he hardest part is watching Gavin realize that his dad doesn't care about him. I feel very helpless and all I can do is give him all the attention I can, reassure him that I love him and I want him, and repeat over and over that Kris' disinterest is not his fault. Trying to teach him to place the blame where it belongs -- squarely on Kris' shoulders. But it's hard; I'm still struggling with that, too.

On a lighter note, a couple of things I found while playing around today:

You Communicate Like a Man

When you communicate, you like to get to the point. You're not afraid to say what's on your mind - and leave it at that. Talking about your emotions drains you. You rather keep them to yourself. You prefer solving problems to wallowing in your sorrows.

That was a no-brainer, but I was interested to see if I really came across that way. Honestly, right now I feel like speaking my mind is something I aspire to, rather than something I'm actually doing.

You Are: 20% Dog, 80% Cat

You are are almost exactly like a cat. You're intelligent, independent, and set on getting your way. And there's no way you're going to fetch a paper for anyone!

Another "well, duh". But I gotta admit, I love the quiz things.

mood: lazy

Things have been so busy and stressful these last several months. Mediation negotiations for custody of Gavin have completely broken down -- to no one's surprise. Kris just wasn't willing to put in the effort to make an agreement possible. He didn't even show up for the mediation session this morning and didn't call either the mediator or myself to say he couldn't make it.

So now we have to take the case before a judge to settle out custody. But we don't have a court date yet and family court is so backed up, the date is several months in advance. I've already been logging all the times Kris has been neglectful of Gavin since January. That and many, many witnesses to Kris' (at best) indifference to Gavin and his well-being. Hopefully, court will go smoother than the mediation has.

Kris and I have been in post-separation counseling for about the past month or so. He didn't make any effort there, either, and didn't show up to last counseling session. He didn't call that time, either. I'm so tired of all of this.

Gavin's having a really rough time. He's started realizing that his dad doesn't really care about him and, naturally, it's hitting him really, really hard. I've got him in therapy to help him through this rough time, but there are days when I just feel so helpless and wish I could wave a magic wand and make it all better.

School is winding down. This is finals week, but luckily, with everything else going on, I only have one class, so only one final. That's on Thursday. I shouldn't have too much trouble; it's an open book, open notes exam and so far in the semester and I've got the top grade score for the entire class. I'm taking two classes this summer -- both completely on-line -- while I'm home with Gavin.

I've applied for a scholarship through the Computer department, which, if I get it, will give me $1000 a semester. That's enough to cover full-time tuition and a good chunk of my books and supplies. I'm planning to car-pool with a friend who's also going to school there (and who has school-age kids, so has the same schedule limitations I do), which means transportation is arranged. Wish me luck. I've declared a Computer Programming major which means in about two years or so, I'll have the technical skills and an AS in computer programming to back up my BA. I'm looking into Oracle Development, which there is a desperate need for not just in this area, but all over the country.

Gavin's and my physical well-being has continued to improve. Gavin is still eating well and has put on more weight, which actually brings him back up to being the weight chart, instead of well below it. A big relief for me. I've been able to cut back on some of my medications and have had the energy to actually *do* things again.

Gavin's been playing soccer through the local parks and rec. He's not the best player in the world, but he tries hard and has fun. That's the important thing. It's recreational league, so we don't generally have the problem of the parents being overly competitive and the coach makes sure every member of the team gets to play at least half a game.

That's about it for now. Gotta go study. Hopefully once Gavin's out of school I'll be able to take a deep breath and update more frequently.

mood: disappointed

Yup, it's really me, posting at last.

Where do I start? So much has happened in the last several months; I turned my (and Gavin's) world on it's head. I'm not really ready to go into the whys and wherefores (not something I want to broadcast in general, anyway). Basically, after we got back from the West Coast, everything deteriorated to the point where I realized my marriage was a living hell and had been for a number of years. Listen up, Jay -- wherever you are ;)-- I'm only going to say this once: you were right to be worried.

There were a lot of things going on that I didn't tell anyone and even more that I just didn't see for what they actually were. Tuesday, late September, I was holding a sobbing Gavin in my arms after he cried from his heart, "Why doesn't my Daddy love me?" And the next day, Kris made it very clear to me how little he valued me; I felt something in my head snap and I realized that things were never going to get any better. Gavin and I had to leave.

It was such a relief to finally let go. I'd spent nine long years swimming against the ocean tide and I finally just let go and let the tide beach me on the shore. Gavin, the animals, and I. I felt like I'd been freed from prison. If anyone wants to know what my marriage was really like, read the first half of _No Visible Wounds_, by Mary Susan Miller (stop reading when you get to the beginning of the feminist rant).

I don't know where to begin to say "Thank you" to all of you for all your support. I owe so much to so many wonderful people. But especially to deromilly and her DH. I can honestly say that I am happy; truly happy for the first time since we started packing to move to California. I'm back in school -- only one class, but it's a start. I'm working towards a Java Programming certificate and towards my A+ certification. I might as well get *something* good (besides Gavin -- I'd do everything all over again just to have him) out of all those years. My day is no longer a bleakness of pain, housework and walking on eggshells. I'm excited about the future, I'm happy, and I'm freeeeeeeeee.

I still worry about Gavin, though. He's in therapy, but he spends every other weekend with his Dad. Kris has promised (not just me, but Child Protective Services) that he will not use corporeal punishment any more. No more belts, no more Hot Wheels Track, nothing. I wish I could believe it; I've heard so many promises that have never been fulfilled. Right now, he's Disneyland Dad. I'm just dreading when something happens and he has to discipline Gavin. We're in mediation over custody.

Gavin is doing so well since we left. There are times I don't recognize him. He's gained about 10lbs (he did that the first couple of weeks after we left) and has grown several inches. Most of the time he's courteous, respectful, and very, very sweet. Melt-downs have become the exception, rather than a daily event. He's gained a lot of confidence and is starting to catch up with his peers, socially.

Don't know how frequently I'll be posting; things are still in something of a whilwind. But thank you, thank you all for your support.

mood: happy

I'm back here in North Carolina. All the hard work I did cleaning before I left has been completely undone. Not that I didn't expect that to happen. But right now it's very overwhelming, even for me.

I really dislike flying. I've got bad jet lag, so that's another reason not to clean house. And I wrenched my ankle the the day before yesterday. Didn't break it, even though I heard it crack. Just a big bruise that swelled up to the size of a golf ball. It's much, much better today; still swollen, but no where near as large. I know I should sit down and put ice on it right now, but the TV broke while we were gone. So, nothing to watch. And the house is such a disaster.

Not much else to say. Had a doctor's appointment today, so I really know I'm back home. Just a medication follow-up; I needed a new prescription for my sleeping drugs. Now I just need to call my rheumatologist and see if he'll phone in a prescription for the stuff to counter-act dry mouth.

Gotta go and do stuff. I'll try to update my journal more regularly than I have in the past.

mood: tired